Dear Candy Corn, You Suck!

Dear Candy Corn,

We need to talk. This isn’t going to be easy for either of us – more so you than me – but it has to be done. Every year we have to deal with this, with you, and it just isn’t working anymore. On behalf of millions of Americans (real Americans), I just have to tell you: you suck!

In fact, I never liked you. When I was four and Aunt Gladys brought over those sh!tty little plastic bags tied with an old wire bread tie (that was hard as hell to get off the bag anyway), and I looked happy – it was fake. Yeah, I took the bag, and yes, I put a piece in my mouth, but I NEVER bit into it. I sucked on it and spit it out. You tasted like an old penny dipped is wax-flavored honey.

Later on in life, you didn’t go away. Girls would shriek with excitement whenever it was time to pick up candy corn. They’d go to Hallmark, or some other terrible place, and bring back Russell Stover bags filled with pure evil. In college, some girls even dressed up as candy corn. It was terrifyingly repulsive, and I assume they are all now homeless and have diabetes.

It’s really not only that you taste like candle wax left under a dog’s tongue that’s been coated with stale Mountain Dew, it’s that everyone is so damn in love with you. Let’s be honest, I’d push a basket of kittens into traffic to save a Kit-Kat, you don’t even want to know what I’d do for those pumpkin shaped Reese’s peanut butter cups. For you, not only would I never save you from a car accident…I’d light the match.

Okay, that may be a bit harsh, but I’m just saying what millions, hell, maybe billions of people have never had the courage to say: no one likes you.

What’s worse is you continue to prance around claiming to be associated with corn. Corn! A delicious vegetable that is extremely versatile and an honored symbol of a beloved holiday. It can be creamed, in a casserole, eaten from a can while camping, grilled over fire like a real American hero. Hell, if you leave it on the fire long enough, it even pops and become more portable and even more delicious. It literally transforms itself into a snack food!

You know what happens when you’re left on the fire too long? You turn into what a candle leaves behind – a sh!tty inedible pile of wax that still has more practical uses than you.

You are the Kevin Federline of the candy aisle.

Go f@#$ yourself,

Everyone (who is sane)

PS – Dots and Bit-O-Honey, same applies to you. Just stop.

Originally published in 2014. 

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