From the archives, original post appeared October 18, 2016
Halloween is right around the corner. If you are like me, you have already begun prepping to
hand out candy scare the pants off your family and trick-or-treaters this Halloween. Why not bring that fear to the best people to prank — Hill Staffers. They’re over-worked, under-paid, and prime targets for Halloween Hi-jinx.
Here’s some pranks (read: lies) you can tell them from on, or off the Hill, to completely freak them out this season.
1. Ethics has deemed receptions to be “unethical” and therefore don’t expect Holiday party invitations.
WHAT?!?! How else are we going to eat or drink on these salaries?
2. Longworth Office Building (read: Leadworth) isn’t safe and you’d prefer to meet in…Ford.
Longworth will be re-opening in November after renovations, and yes, Ford is an actual building. And it’s dreadful.
3. Their Member is coming back to the office tomorrow.
He’s not, he is definitely still campaigning, but they still might panic.
4. You saw a new poll and it looks like their boss is not going to win.
Don’t let that one last too long, they could have a panic attack.
5. The district candy/snack provider is no longer shipping products to their office.
No more free food?? TRADES ARE GONE! Our only form of currency!
6. The staff assistants and interns are home sick.
You mean, I HAVE TO ANSWER PHONES??? Election year is scary. Constituents can be mean.
7. You need to send out a 5000 mailer in two days.
FML. Do people even mail anymore?
8. The Superintendent has banned dogs from the House and Senate Office Buildings.
My sanity?!? GONE.
9. Matt Fuller is leaving DC.
Don’t worry. Matt sold his soul to Washington DC. He can’t leave. Love you, Matt.
10. The boss is live tweeting.
Shoutout to the staffers whose bosses don’t even own cell phones. You lucked out.
11. Tell your GOP friends Hillary is leading in the polls.
12. Tell your Dem friends you’re voting for Trump this November.
They might scream…
So start planning. You have plenty of time. After all, it’s October recess.
Happy Halloween Betches,