Recently Buzzfeed confirmed the release of Pumpkin Spice Creme Oreo cookies from Nabisco. This news comes directly on the heels of Starbucks releasing their hot pumpkin spice coffee varieties months early.
In response to this recent trend of artificially flavored pumpkin loaded products, a large announcement was recently made.
Today, at 9:30am, Mother Earth announced that the Earth (yes, this planet right here) will be producing large quantities of pumpkin flavored pumpkins for a very limited time only. Products will be available this October with plans to evaluate and determine supply for next year. When asked for comment, Mother Earth said,
At the rate people are buying pumpkin flavored things, these pumpkin flavored pumpkins should fly off the shelves. You can eat them, carve them, you can decorate with them, heck, you can even buy the seeds and grow them yourselves. You cam make beer with them, bake the contents of these pumpkin flavored pumpkins into treats, muffins, cakes, pies, literally anything you want! These pumpkin flavored pumpkins should revolutionize the pumpkin flavored industry and crush all the imitators.
However the titans of industry that reign over all things commercial, when asked about pumpkin flavored pumpkins, aren’t convinced.
Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz said in response to this,
The idea that some small, mom-and-pop operation is going to…what? Create some magic organically grown pumpkin flavored orbs is absurd. Tell that hippie to go back to dreamland and leave the real science of artificially creating pumpkin flavor and injecting it into everything to us real businessmen! Go home loser!
Nabisco CEO F. Ross Johnson thought this was a joke,
Wait…so you’re telling me someone is just planting seeds, and these, pumpkin flavored, what did you call them? Yeah, pumpkins, are just sprouting up all over the place and people are doing what with them? Making their own pumpkin flavored Oreo cookies at home? That’s preposterous! No one knows how to make those cookies but us dammit!
Meanwhile scientists all over the world are baffled and awaiting this alleged seasonal miracle where actual, real, organic, pumpkin flavored pumpkins will appear naturally from the ground. The fact that they will come at an almost suspiciously convenient time, such as October, leads many to believe this is too good to be true.
When asked for a comment, Mother Earth said,
All quotes and names are used for satirical purposes.